Let's work through this one together...

"A 38-year-old Cole Avenue man reported that his home was invaded on Sept. 9. The man said he was sitting home alone masturbating and watching a pornographic movie when a man came down into the basement, holding a gun, and started to videotape him. The man said that before he left, the intruder fed his dog some mushrooms and the dog died."

So a man was down in his basement waxing his weasel. Nothing wrong there. Upstairs, some unknown intruder breaks in with a video camera and a gun, two crucial items when either filming an elk hunting expedition or committing a crime while consciously implicating oneself. The intruder heads downstairs and demands that the man continue whacking while being filmed. No time frame is listed here. Once the filming is complete (and possibly the whacking), we have the mushrooms.

Did the intruder bring mushrooms in a “pack” of some sort? Fanny or back? Or did he stop and check out the victim’s fridge prior?

“Let’s see…soda, purple stuff, sunny D, MUSHROOMS!!! Alright!!”

And were they button, portobello, psychotropic or shitake?

Did the dog choke? Was it allergic? Was the Heimlich performed?

And how did the feeding go? Did the intruder bring the dog downstairs and make the man watch as he fed the dog the death-inducing shrooms? Or, after the whole ordeal, did the man go upstairs only to find Fido’s bucket kicked next to a blue package of unwashed fungus?

Was anything burgled beside mushrooms?

Not unlike that show banished to the Court TV channel, this will most likely remain one of those “Unsolved Mysteries.”

Your thoughts on the case are encouraged.